NOTE: This blogpost title is a quote from MSNBC TV broadcaster Stephanie Ruhle, appearing on The 11th Hour (May 23/22).
My Attempts To Explain
I do tend to get lost in rambling descriptions of both past and current events, for a variety of reasons:
- Feeble memory (both inherited and acquired) and weakened brain faculties;
- Being a poor writer/editor;
- Trying to piece together disparate and sometimes *crazy* details and events in a meaningful, coherent way — within an even larger context (and cover-up, however necessary, noble, well-intentioned it may be, etc) — while preserving a degree of privacy and anonymity for all concerned, which oddly enough does mean something to me, in spite of everything I may freely blather (‘data surplus‘) OR I have had widely shared about my life by others (and indeed, I went to extreme lengths to try to protect my privacy, and I still do; but look where that has gotten me/us);
- And most of all, I wonder constantly why *I* — a complete NOBODY, not believed or listened to by anyone, and repeatedly invalidated — find myself on trial, explaining or correcting/revising every detail of my life and my half-assed writings, when certain perpetrators and institutions have not taken one shred of accountability for breaking many major laws and, frankly, a few of the Ten Commandments, if we’re going to include religious righteousness into the mix. Nor have any of those responsible allowed themselves to be named or identified in any way, and thus, never had their lives and actions etc scrutinized and judged. Pretty convenient.
Whether or not, as it may seem, they are indeed covertly ‘protecting the Republic’ (to quote Liz Cheney in her remarks at the John F. Kennedy Profiles in Courage Award Ceremony, May 22/22, for whom I have the highest respect for her non-partisan decision to join and really help spearhead and add credibility to the 1/6 Committee, as one of only 2 Republican members, along with Rep. Adam Kinzinger; see NOTE 1)**, these unknown and anonymous persecutors (except for one individual) have nevertheless gone above and beyond to…ack, why bother explaining or describing. And reliving.
If you may be one of those ‘in the know’, it is more than likely you have no clue what I and others have been through or sacrificed. Unless, as in my case, you have had an experience of being terrorized inside and outside your home AND also endured hellish odysseys, across a 22-year span — as incredible as that sounds.
As for the latter, there are increasingly well-researched ‘hoodoo’ type practices around the world that simply work, in spite of science’s many attempts to discredit and deny them until recent decades. And FYI, various police forces across North America do use psychic mediums, for example, to solve crimes (usually murders). (One such character is depicted as being rather effective on the popular New York City-based TV police series, Blue Bloods; I believe they are drawing upon the real-world examples mentioned above.) Anyway, if you still think that I and others have not been through enough… (shaking head). Wow.
**NOTE 1: I was pretty sure Rep. Adam Kinzinger (Republican – Illinois) was on the January 6 Select Committee. Just goes to show how well this widespread Internet disinformation campaign works — I got my info from a top-ranked search source and one of the main weblink articles on the awards ceremony that Rep. Liz Cheney had attended and was recognized at.
MOST IMPORTANT ARTICLE I’ve Read In 20 YEARS:
Surveillance capitalists control the science and the scientists, the secrets and the truth.
Using Govt Funds? — Part 1
Wow, I hope people aren’t referring to my 6-month internship in India with the International Co-operative Alliance’s Regional Office of Asia & the Pacific (ICA-ROAP), sponsored through the Canadian Co-operative Association (CCA), in 1998-99.
Perhaps this is a good moment for a somewhat ‘TMI’ description of my personal and working relationship with someone I will call ‘AA’, during my internship. And to point out that an advertising company I had once dealt with in Hong Kong, when I had been formerly employed with Cathay Pacific Airways as a Marketing Publications Coordinator, generously provided in-kind donations to ICA-ROAP. The latter situation led to the former.
Upon contacting the ad agency, the designers kindly took the photos, graphics and text I provided from ICA, and they created 2 excellent, full-colour publications (a leaflet and booklet), free of charge. These were eventually distributed to ICA-ROAP’s 27 member countries.
While working to finetune and finalize these booklets, I became intimate with AA (see NOTE 2).** After completing the internship, I enthusiastically wanted to apply my co-operative work-study experience in a ‘practical’ way, by possibly getting a project off the ground that might somehow include, support or benefit a women’s co-op in India. (Eg, Any of the many local members of ICA-ROAP.)
Having no business negotiation skills whatsoever, I impetuously bought a large assortment of pashmina shawls from AA’s business friend.
AA and I then flew from India to HK, where I approached a prospective business contact about selling the shawls (who later felt I tried to hoodwink them and had wasted their precious time, because the prices on the shawls were so high; it turns out AA’s friend had charged me full retail prices — not wholesale). During our short stay, I asked some kind friends if we could stay with them (hotels in HK are very pricey).
I did all this mainly to see a women’s co-op-related project get going, with AA as the middleman (as they had obvious business experience); and if it worked, yes, I’d hope to possibly get a finder’s fee to cover my initial costs (ie, airfare, the shawls, my time and efforts) — but nothing exhorbitant. I wasn’t looking to be on a payroll, or anything.
Despite all of this — giving a boost to AA’s work portfolio and business credibility through these small but well-designed booklets (hence, why they insisted on keeping exclusive rights to the computer files — even though they were entirely sourced through my efforts and connections); trying to potentially help expand AA’s business ventures; hoping that this HK trip may even broaden AA’s personal horizons (their first trip abroad), plus finding a place for us to stay; and having been fully intimate with this person prior to this misadventure (only the 2nd person I had ever been so with, in my life) — guess what?
AA’s business friend refused to provide a refund on the mostly unsold shawls, which (again) they sold to me at full retail prices: so, it was a project doomed to fail from the start. And I’m certain they had said they would take back the ‘unsold stock’; otherwise, I would not have purchased so many. I forget how many, but if anyone was the biggest FOOL, it surely was me.
(As the Devil apparently incarnated, I seem to be pretty darn dumb. No two ways about it, lol. See NOTE 3A.)**
What did AA do? Whom I had been so personally involved with and tried to be helpful or supportive towards, and even gave of my body (sorry, TMI!). NOTHING. Some companionship and a few car rides home, before this debacle. And to add insult to injury, as I said, AA even refused to give me a copy of the computer files I procured (based on a positive past relationship) and had worked hard on — claiming they now belonged to AA’s company (see NOTE 3B).** This seems to be a familiar pattern in my life; and no doubt for many average citizens, as the out-sized monopolies grow and collusion spreads. Too late!
In Big Brother’s case, I’ve been a highly useful, exploited puppet, who eventually became a raging STOOGE (‘inner demons’ aside). (‘Surveillance capitalism‘ is a term coined by Shoshana Zuboff, 2020. Essential reading!)
The experience with AA (who is now seemingly lauded in spiritual circles) reminded me of situations in Hong Kong, where storekeepers and market vendors would rather shortsightedly rip me off for a quick buck — rather than try to gain my repeat business, and have me potentially recommend them to others. Far too common an experience in Asia. It’s the complete opposite of how I would do things, and what I grew up with, for the most part, in Canada (see NOTES 4A-C and 5).**
As a non-designer, it took me hours to edit the text and graphic elements in both the booklet and leaflet — and especially the photo collage, which I believe I had requested and, then, edited extensively. It’s so tiny. Our supply of good quality stock photos depicting co-ops from across the region was extremely limited. Balance and inclusivity were both top of mind (surprise, shock???!); yet, some pics were simply clearer or more appropriate, etc.
Anyway, what little savings I had and used towards this haphazard venture was gone. They still wanted to sleep with me, though! And manhandled me, trying to get me in their car. And yes, the whole thing kind of farked me up.
Frankly, up until that point in my life, I had never felt so utterly betrayed in my life. I wonder if the RCMP have a recording of that phone conversation, with me hollering at AA on the phone. I know — sounds so melodramatic, ho-hum. Especially in light of everything. And yet, once upon a time, I was quite sensitively attuned to people and their vibes; I was even caring (if not naturally so? I thought I was; I cried like others, felt fear, anger, joy, compassion — see later blogpost, “To Be Compassionate”, etc).
I don’t care what anyone says, because believe me I myself have tried — but when a woman gives her body it does have an emotional and energetic impact on her afterwards. Probably related to the whole child-bearing aspect, protecting the womb, etc. It takes a toll, when betrayed. (Elizabeth Gilbert dedicated a whole chapter, I believe, on her traumatic breakup with her husband in Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia (2006).) And so, my hats off to sex workers, especially those who do such work out of pure economic necessity and may not have the nicest clients. And most definitely my heartfelt anguish for women who are in abusive relationships; or are being or have been raped and/or pimped out against their will; or are sold into sex trafficking; or are child sex abuse victims and survivors (one I knew, killed themselves), and so on.
**NOTE 2: Sexuality in India is a complicated topic. The social and religious restrictions around it seems to intensify one’s desires. The slightest touch by a stranger can be so ripe with meaning and feeling. There are MANY differences between India and North America, or western countries, in general. And there’s a real dichotomy between some of the pretty free-spirited and sometimes provocative Bollywood films that are popularly seen, and the pious (confining?) everyday society they arise from. Anyway, with this particular person ‘AA’, I felt like I *owed* them sexual favours, as they had helped to get the booklets completed; and they had driven me a few times (which was a great luxury and convenience in India, at that time). We had spent quite a bit of time together on that project, and I just kind of let it happen. There’s almost a wearing down of your defenses, plus a lack of freedom, natural exhuberances, and various social outlets that we may take for granted over here in North America — or maybe it’s simply for some women, like me? (Eg, being rowdy or outspoken; drinking at bars or at home; dancing; playing sports; hugging and casually touching people, even folks you’ve just met, etc). I say all this with a caveat. As is the case around the world, the privileged middle and upper classes are somewhat freer and more shielded from certain oppressive social practices or limitations. And probably people from India don’t view it like this, at all. I am just describing how I experienced things. Like men slipping pages of pornagraphic literature under my door (see NOTE 6A)**. Or my trying to talk to Indian women, and yet, the men are always answering for them — even among the middle-class –unless you met people from much more cosmopolitan and educated circles, but even then. And btw, today on TV, there was an interview with a pair of teens from the Ukraine seeking asylum here in Toronto — and I won’t say how I really perceived it, based on my various experiences — however, despite several questions being posed to both the guy and girl, only the male answered, while the female looked on demurely and smiled. It didn’t appear to be simple reticence or shyness; it was like they were purposely projecting specific gender roles. Again, for those ‘in the know’, I would say that any ‘return to Eden’ will not be seeing women as full and equal partners and doers, in the long run. Perhaps for the interim, they’ll hype up women’s can-do survival skills and conquer-all attitudes; but ultimately, I have good reason to believe it will be a highly traditional and patriarchal social structure, with a rolling back of gender roles, independence, progressive values, and so forth. Only those at the top really know what things will eventually look like on planet earth.
**NOTE 3A: I have boundary issues, as well as an at-times “transactional” approach to things — among many other issues, obviously. (I believe my overseas experiences amplified these traits; and then, became exacerbated by complex PTSD and ongoing harassment. Personally, in a balanced and positive state, I see it as an inherent desire or wish to create ‘win-win-win’ solutions.) In light of all this, my companion D’s immediate or extended family may think that I had or have ulterior motives, and sought to gain something from them. Whereas I deliberately avoided being indebted in any way; and yet, I desperately began to need help with D. [ D being older than me, and myself being “crisis-driven”, I tended to panic, as my instinct is to avoid or prevent major health issues. I have a strong belief in holistic, alternative, innovative or natural approaches to health and healing — but, unfortunately, these are often costly in our sometimes backwards society (not helped by govt healthcare cutting; or myopic and tunnel-visioned views about health, and how to achieve it); and also, finding relevant practitioners, methodologies, and suitable healing aids of all kinds can be difficult in Canada (another lengthy topic, which Big Brother is also pulling strings on). ] I have spent a bundle on hyped-up supplements for both D and I. And yes, D’s downhill slide did cause me a lot of stress, anxiety, depression, anger and frustration. The one thing that healed all of that in a flash was a simple hug, and an appreciative comment from D’s family member. Gosh, this conniving master planner and violent, deranged psychopath doesn’t ask for much — or do I?? It took me ages to get my head together and properly reach out to D’s family (my initial spur-of-the-moment emails and one phone call were far from appropriate; but I JUST COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE) — D was telling them one story, while I had to live with the actualities. Plus, I have so many personal issues going on myself, clearly. Oh, well. Moot point. Almost past caring. Easy to judge from the sidelines — your entire life and mere existence are not in question, and turned into a 21-year psycho-social science experiment.
**NOTE 3B: Please see NOTE 6A.
*NOTE 4A: People may not think I’m an honest person, in light of all the 24/7 videos recorded, and twisty ways I have responded to various situations (like a rat in a cage, given what’s been imposed upon me); but I wasn’t always this way. Complex PTSD is one definite factor that began ever so slightly in Vietnam, and became full-blown during my early ‘surveillance years’; but there’s so much more to it. Also, what may not be widely communicated are the times that I did demonstrate integrity. Like at my 2018 bartending job, I ensured the bar manger received his cut from our tips on several occasions, when others clearly forgot or were inclined to let it slide. I’m sure there are other moments. In a former life, while selling cutlery that I’m still an avid fan of, there were 2 occasions where I paid for the products myself, and left them with prospective customers to try out at their leisure. Returning to school soon, I didn’t have much time to collect the items, so they got free cutlery — totalling around $300. A fair chunk of change, for a university student, 30+ years ago. At another job that I tried out for a day, also during university, I helped double my assigned partner’s daily sales. And instead of taking my fair share of the cash, I simply let her keep all the money, as I decided this job was not for me — easy money, but questionable ethics. Speaking of ‘ethics’, there was another job I left in 2003 (?), because it involved preying upon economically-disadvantaged or uneducated / unaware people in the U.S. Anyway, this whole topic of personal and professional integrity is worthy of further discussion.
“What Are The 17 Symptoms Of PTSD” — which my persecutors have repeatedly exploited, time and again, for 21 years!! (So, who’s also “exploitative and manipulative”, or threatening and abusive, I wonder?)
“Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD)” from mind.org.uk (also available in Welsh, of course).
**NOTE 4B: Believe me, very few people in my life have ever tried to “regain…[my] approval”. I can only think of one notable person, which is D, but this entails a huge discussion about systemic oppressions, over-giving, and being taken for granted. If anything, it describes how I’ve been treated, thus far, for the glory of God or a Creator.
**NOTE 4C: Wow. The key words above are: “they are just as ruthless”. Who’s taken advantage of who?? And who remains damaged, and virtually powerless?? Aggressive, yes; I’ve certainly shed all possible social masks, and it’s not a pretty sight.
**NOTE 5: Money and finances may be recurring themes in my 2022 blogposts — but that’s what happens when one has had many economic struggles, and looks back over one’s life: everything starts to be seen through a *finance filter*. Some people never fully recover from the psychological impacts of economic scarcity; hence, the lifelong thriftiness of those who survived the Great Depression (1929-1939), or others who have experienced personal bankrupties, and so on. Can’t find the quote. Some “Famous Quotes About Poverty“. My overall situation is much better now. But the years 2001 to 2005 were intense; and I became rather downtrodden in a weird way, given my unusual path — from someone working at a decent corporate job, to serially employed hospitality worker (waitress, bartender, dishwasher), to virtually unemployed mental health survivor. It is not unlike the stories I once read about people who became homeless, and the few such individuals I spoke to back in the early 2000s — another insightful gleaning for Big Brother. I am still $36,000 in debt, and my income is well below the poverty line.
**NOTE 6A: My life has been an open book for Big Brother, partly because I have a nostalgia for people and events from my life, as well as an attachment to things I have worked on. Per the centralizing information management proposal I mentioned in another blogpost, ‘Selfish, And Yet More‘ (June 10, 2022), I actually paid to ship 2 heavy boxes of documents supporting my proposal, from HK to Toronto — post-resignation — so they were utterly meaningless. But I kind of thought, ‘What If’ they decided to implement the idea after all, and they need more info, etc. Silly, huh? That’s me, or how I used to be: obsessively and wholeheartedly invested in people, projects, ideas and things…until I turned a corner.
**NOTE 6B: Oddly, the word pornagraphic isn’t in Dictionary.com (https://www.dictionary.com/misspelling?term=pornagraphic).
Using Govt Funds? — Part 2
On the other hand, people may be judging me for being on social assistance, as a person who suffered a nervous breakdown and had an extreme downward spiral over many years (an utterly compromised, bestial shadow of the person I once was — probably not even that); and that was followed by a rollercoaster mental health recovery journey.
Well, I can only say it has all happened with the help and full blessings of those who drove me into hospital and onto certain medications, so that I lose every ounce of my credibility possible. And my various conditions have affected both my capabilities and my limited employability, unfortunately.
I haven’t sought to profit from the social assistance — although one is allowed to be self-employed (had I that kind of capability) and to own one’s primary residence. At this point, I am simply seeking to pay off my rash and irresponsible major debts (at least half of which were incurred by trying to fend off invasions of both home and privacy, plus hacking and overall gaslighting; I frankly don’t know which one is the worst).